Sadrhino

24 July 2008

Advice for new dads

Posted by Toner under: Life and Family .

A few of my friends are about to, in the next few months (and in one case hours) become parents for the first time. Because of this, I wanted to put together a little helpful guide for you new dads out there. I hope this helps.

May God have mercy on your souls.

1. Everyone will have advice on what you are doing with your kids (from diapering to dealing with illness, behavior issues, etc.). 99% of this will be crap. Each kid is different. You’re going to have to find what works best for you… I guess that means you can stop reading now.

2. Your newborn will most likely get sick… A LOT… Your first response will always be the worse case scenario (maybe it’s ebola?).

To make matters worse, most pediatricians live by a simple rule, “fat, pink and healthy.” Put simply, if the baby is eating, peeing, pooping, and sleeping (at least a little) they are not going to be at all as concerned about your problem as you are. This will be very frustrating.

a. At some point, you’ll have to trust your doctor. They do this kind of stuff, all day.

b. That said, if your problem seems really bad, you might want to do a little research on your own, and don’t be afraid to suggest a treatment option. For example, we would have never known my son had allergies/asthma unless I asked “should we take him to an allergist?”

c. Daycare is a little like when Europeans first came in contact with North Americans (without all the violence hopefully). The little immune systems can’t handle all the new germs. Be prepared for some bumpy nights. It gets easier as they get used to being around other people.

3. Until your kid gets daytime and nighttime all sorted out, and takes on enough weight, you’re not going to really sleep much during the night. Maybe three/four months minimum. Keep in mind RAF pilots during the battle of Britain jumped into airplanes and fought the Nazis on as little as 10 minutes sleep a night. Also keep in mind Britain lost around 1700 planes and about 600 pilots. Ouch.

4. When the baby sleeps. You sleep. Your little bundle of joy will do stuff like sleep from 2 in the afternoon till 8 at night. And you might think, “Woohoo! Six hours to play Xbox.” Well, guess who’s going to be up from 8 till six the next day…

5. From this point on, nothing you do for your wife is as important as taking care of the kid(s). Let’s say you are both home from work. You paint the house, build a nursery and pave the driveway. Your wife is inside, watching the kids. When you both go to bed that night, she will look at you like “wussy.”

a. If you are not the primary caregiver, no amount of time you spend with the kids will justify you being tired from watching the kids. So, say your wife is a stay at home mom and goes away for a week and you think you’re being a great dad and husband for watching the kids while she’s gone. Her reply on return will be something like “What? You only had them a week. I do it everyday.”

6. At some point, you will volunteer to stay home with your baby so your wife can get a night out. On this night your child will cry as it has never cried before. You will invariably call your wife and ask her to come home. It’s okay. It happens. Afterwards you will think of a thousand things you could of tried to making the crying stop that you didn’t.

7. Be stupid. Babies like stupid. They are much more Benny Hill than Monty Python.

8. There’s a chance, that in the hospital, a nurse may ask you “do you want me to put the baby in the nursery so you guys can get some sleep?” The correct answer is yes. You have the rest of your lives to be together. Right now you’re tired.

9. There’s going to be a room in your house (probably where the TV is) that is going to be the main area where you keep the baby (until it starts crawling around and such). You may not leave this room for three months.

10. It is going to be really hard.

a. By the time they are 3 you won’t remember what any of this newborn stuff was like. The human brain has amazing capability to block out misery.
b. The first time they smile, say your name, catch a ball, any of that, you’ll know it’s absolutely worth it. That sounds like a line I’m sure, but trust me, it’s great. You’re still going to be f’n exhausted. But, it’s at least good to know you’re doing good work.

Good luck!

Last, super-secret tip

So, now that you’ve spawned. You’ve gained admittance to the super-secret club of parents. What this means is this… Remember all those people who used to tell you (before you had kids) how awesome it was to be a parent? Well, now they are going to unload on you horror stories of biblical proportions… For example you might say “little Johnny had a cold.” To which they will reply, “Oh that’s nothing, our son barfed out his own spleen… seven times…”

And you might think, why didn’t anyone tell you this stuff could happen BEFORE YOU HAD KIDS??? And of course, the answer, is Darwinism.

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